17.2.11

Tips for folks planning criminal mischief.

I'm no criminal mastermind, but I think I can offer a few tips to prospective tree poisoners and others of the Harvey Almorn Updyke ilk:

1. Don't admit to your crime.
2. Don't admit to your crime before anybody else knows it happened.
3. Don't admit to your crime on a nationally-syndicated radio broadcast.
4. Don't admit to your crime on a nationally-syndicated radio broadcast using your own voice.
5. Don't admit to your crime on a nationally-syndicated radio broadcast while calling from your own cell phone.
6. Don't admit to your crime on a nationally-syndicated radio broadcast and identify yourself as "Al" if that's actually your name.
7. Don't admit to your crime on a nationally-syndicated radio broadcast and identify yourself as "from Dadeville" if you actually live in Dadeville.
8. Don't admit to your crime on a nationally-syndicated radio broadcast and acknowledge that you don't care if you broke the law.

But then, if you can't brag about it, why even do it?